I am now 42 years old. At this stage in my life I should be in the throes of a “mid-life crisis” like so many men my age. I’m already in the early stages of baldness; more than half of my threescore and ten years has passed; I’ve already lost one parent and I’m wondering how long it will be before the other one goes; I’m not getting any younger, only older… How long have I got left of this life? These are all the things that should be haunting me…
But they’re not. I wonder now and then why I’m not burdened with so many of the worries that male quadragenarians (that is, men in their forties) have. Well this afternoon I put in a search for “mid-life crisis” on Google and came across a list that has been published in nearly all the UK national papers. The list published in July this year lists forty signs of “mid-life” crisis in men.
“1. Desiring a simpler life” For someone living in a developed country in the early twenty-first century my life is very simple. No mortgage, few worries about money, no children, no car…
“2. Still going to music festivals like Glastonbury.” I’ve never been to anything resembling a “music festival” in my life and I’ve no desire to go to one now.
“3. Start looking up old boyfriends or girlfriends on Facebook.” I’m not on Facebook and I’ve no old girlfriends.
“4 Realise you will never be able to pay off your mortgage.” I don’t have a mortgage either.
“5. Joining Twitter so your bosses think you ‘get’ digital.” I’m not on “Twitter”—too many twits. Besides, I work in retail. Nobody I know would be at all impressed at my joining “Twitter”. (Although my joining the Legion of Mary did surprise some of my relatives.)
“6. Excessively reminisce about your childhood.” My childhood in Belfast in the 1970s and 1980s was nothing to get excited about.
“7. Take no pleasure in your friends’ successes” Actually, that’s true; I don’t. CHECK!
“8. Splashing out on an expensive bicycle.” I did that right after Woolworths went bust and I became unemployed. But the money I saved on bus and train fares was probably cancelled out by the money I spent keeping my bicycle roadworthy. CHECK!
“9. Sudden desire to play an instrument.” I’ve already got a musical instrument, my voice, one that was given to me by God.
“10. Fret over thinning hair.” Yes, that is something I do now and again. CHECK!
“11. Take up a new hobby.” Does surfing the internet on your mobile phone count as a new hobby?
“12. Want to make the world a better place.” I’m only concerned with what beauty there is in the world now.
“13. Longingly look at old pictures of yourself.” Looking at my baby photos from the 1970s I can see I was cute, quiet and happy. Thirty-five years on, well, maybe I’m not so cute now, but two out of three isn’t so bad.
“14. Dread calls at unexpected times from your parents (fearing the worst).” That’s something else I don’t worry about. My mother is still in reasonably good health.
“15. Go to reunion tours of your favourite bands from the 70s and 80s.” See reason no.2.
“16. Switch from Radio 2 to indie stations like 6 Music.” I was listening to Radio 2 when I was a teenager and it was aimed at people more than three times my age. I now listen to Radio 2, Radio 3, Radio 4 Extra, Radio Ulster, Radio 6 Music, RTE Radio 1, RTE 2fm, RTE Lyric FM and occasionally Europe-1 and France-Inter…
“17. Revisit holiday destinations you went to as a child.” My travelling was quite limited when I was a child and I’ve been to so many new places since I came back to Ireland.
“18. Cannot envisage a time when you will be able to afford to retire.” Retire before the age of 65, you mean? Retire at 55, or even 50? And what would I do with my life then?
“19. Read obituaries in the newspapers with far greater interest — and always check how people die.” False. I have no such streak of morbidity in me.
“20. Obsessively compare your appearance with others the same age.” I’m going grey and I’m going bald, but most of the time I couldn’t care less.
“21. Start dyeing your hair when it goes grey.” Nope.
“22. Stop telling people your age.” J’ai quarante-deux ans et je m’en fous!
“23. Dream about being able to quit work but know that you’ll just never be able to afford to.” I’ve spent something like half of my working life on the dole. I’ve no intention of quitting work.
“24. Start taking vitamin pills.” I’ve never been one to pop pills. I have a deep-rooted mistrust of pharmaceuticals.
“25. Worry about being worse off in your retirement than your parents.” There is a possibility that will happen to me and I’m not entirely sure if my state pension will be enough. Well, I’ll worry about that when I’m fifty…
“26. Want to change your friends but don’t meet anyone new that you like.” I’m happy with the friends I’ve got now, thank you.
“27. Think about quitting your job and buying a bed & breakfast or a pub.” I wouldn’t have the gumption to run a bed and breakfast and I’ve never heard of a teetotal pub landlord.
“28. Flirt embarrassingly with people 20 years your junior.” What twenty-year-old girl would flirt with me?
“29. Look up your medical symptoms on the internet.” I’ve been very lucky with my health and I hope I will be for many years to come.
“30. Start thinking about going to church but never act on it.” I’ve been going to church regularly for nearly four years now.
“31. Always note when politicians or business leaders are younger than you.” That’s quite rare, mainly because I’ve no interest in politics or business to speak of.
“32. Contemplate having a hair transplant or plastic surgery.” No, I can’t afford it, and even if I could I almost certainly wouldn’t”
“33. Take out a direct debit for a charity.” Yes, I had a direct debit for the British Red Cross for a year, but I cancelled it. I was talked into setting it up by two pretty young women who called at my house one morning and…
“34. Can’t sleep because of work worries.” False. I’ve no problems falling asleep at night.
“35. Hangovers get worse and last more than a day on occasions.” I’ve never had a hangover in my life.
“36. Constantly compare your career success with your friends.” Hmm, no, can’t say I ever do that.
“37. Worry about a younger person taking your job.” The place where I work is full of people younger than me. My job is safe enough and I expect to move on over the next twelve months or so.
“38. Take up triathlons or another extreme sport.” Oh, no, extreme sports have never been for me.
“39. Find that you are very easily distracted.” If that was true this blog entry would have taken me several days to write.
“40. Realise that the only time you read books is when you are on holiday.” False. I read all the time, and not just books.
So, of the forty signs that I’m going through a mid-life crisis only three apply to me and a fourth only half applies. If this finding is anything to go by, I’m not even close to experiencing middle age, let alone a crisis.